These commercials, brought to us by Mephistopheles and his corn-pushing minions:
Nurdles are on the loose. No they are not a cross between Nerds and Skittles. To find out what they are and the havoc they are wreaking upon us, read this article.
After returning home from a four month respite from my life as usual, I found my dad had shaved the goatee he’s had for years and my step-dad had randomly grown a mountain-man beard. The explanation for his unruly scruff: he’s “experimenting”. I was not warned about either one of these most shocking events. As far as I can, tell my step-dad didn’t just superglue my dad’s castaway facial hair onto his own face. I may have to do some gumshoeing though.
My dad is currently displaying some of his naughty drawings in his room. Yes, he’s an artist and yes the pieces are quite – beautiful – I say that as I gag and remember my father’s age and my pseudo-Catholic upbringing. I just don’t want to see peoples’ goods. Being human is an embarrassing ordeal. If I total up the minutes that I've spent checking the spelling of the word embarrassing, it's probably consumed the greater part of a day. I think I've spent less time, in my entire life, tying my shoes. Amazing.
Turkey Day is coming and here are some (fun?) facts about to chew on:
*Nearly all turkeys raised for consumption in the United States are selectively bred and modified to be extremely heavy and large breasted; breast meat is the most desirable and commands the highest price. Unfortunately, these turkeys have such puffed up chests that they are incapable of breeding naturally. Thus, practically all of the turkeys raised commercially in the United States are the result of artificial insemination (AI). Imagine if that were your job - just don't imagine it while enjoying your annual feast this Thursday.
*Some male turkeys can weigh up to 85 pounds, whereas a female weighs around 20 pounds when she begins to lay eggs. Due to the extra weight these poor gobblers must support, many commercial turkeys end up with splayed leg disorder like the one pictured here. Once I'm finished with my Thanksgiving dinner, I too may be rendered a bit splayed in the legs.
*Apparently, humans aren't the only species who shoot blanks. Many of the male turkeys used for fertilization (toms) have less than reliable results. Some hatcheries inseminate females with 200-300 million sperm a week.
Today I witnessed a woman violently sobbing over the loss of her Blackberry. Even Faye Dunaway with running mascara and quivering lips couldn't compare with this woman's desperate ire. It was more like an infant's convulsive and hiccuping sob - a reaction to no sleep, severe butt rash, want of food, and the total lack of a favorite blanky. RUGGED! An iPhone owner would never behave in such a way.
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