The Man Next Door Is Teaching His Dog to Drive

It all began when he came out one morning

and found the dog waiting for him behind the wheel.

He thought she looked pretty good sitting there,



so he started taking her into town with him

just so she could get a feel for the road.

They have made a few turns through the field,



him sitting beside her, his foot on the accelerator,

her muzzle on the wheel. Now they are practicing

going up and down the lane with him whispering



encouragement in her silky ear. She is a handsome

dog with long ears and a speckled muzzle and he

is a good teacher. Now my wife, Millie, he says,



she was always too timid on the road, but don't you

be afraid to let people know that you are there.

The dog seems to be thinking about this seriously.



Braking, however, is still a problem, but he is building

a mouthpiece which he hopes to attach to the steering 

column, and when he upgrades to one of those new



Sports Utility Vehicles with the remote ignition device,

he will have solved the key and the lock problem.

Although he has not yet let her drive into town,



he thinks she will be ready sometime next month,

and when his eyes get bad and her hip dysplasia 

gets worse, he thinks this will come in real handy.

by Cathryn Essinger from My Dog Does Not Read Plato

Mexican Hot Chocolate Cake

Serves its purpose and 12 people

Ingredients:
CAKE
1 ½ sticks of butter, plus extra for greasing the pans
1 ½ cups all purpose flour, plus more for dusting
1 cup cake flour
1 tsp each: baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1 ½ cups baker’s sugar
3 large eggs, separated
2 tsp good quality vanilla extract
1 cup sour cream

BUTTERCREAM
4 sticks butter, softened
1 lb box of powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
scant ¾ tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp salt
5 oz bittersweet chocolate, melted and cooled
5 oz white chocolate, melted and cooled

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350˚. Allow butter, eggs, and sour cream to come to room temp. Grease and flour two 9” rounds and cut parchment paper for bottoms. In bowl, stir together all dry ingredients.
2. Beat butter on medium-high speed in a mixer for 30 seconds. Beat in sugar until well combined. Beat in yolks one at a time.
3. Add flour mixture, vanilla, and sour cream to butter mixture. Beat on low speed until just combined.
4. In a clean bowl, whisk egg whites on medium-high speed until stiff peaks form. Fold half of the whites into the batter. Then fold the rest in.
5. Pour batter into pans. Bake for about 25 minutes – cake should spring back to the touch. Cool cakes in pans on wire racks for about 10 minutes. Then remove carefully from pans and cool completely before frosting.

For buttercream: Beat 5 sticks of butter on medium-high until softened. Slowly, add the powdered sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, cayenne pepper, and salt. Gradually beat in the melted and cooled chocolates. Continue mixing on high speed until the frosting has a smooth consistency.
This cake can be frosted and will retain its moist texture and flavor for up to two days if covered at room temperature.

••••Inspired by Oaxacan hot chocolate, Rufino Tamayo, and my abuelitos' posadas

Recipe by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

LOOK
I saw OSS 117: Nest of Spies
It's the perfect film - a spoof on the spy genre with homoerotic hilarity, farcical fight scenes, and endearing idiocy. This film parodies the French OSS spy films of the '50s and '60s as well as the early Bond films (BTW it is the 100th anniversary of Ian Fleming's B-Day on May 28th - he wrote the original Bond novels). Plus, the film features amazing costumes and some beautifully furnished sets - think thin lapels and sleek Scandinavian credenzas.
LISTEN
Recently I have been obsessed with Art Tatum - he's got magnificent hands whose sounds can penetrate even the most callous of hearts.
READ
If On A Winter's Night A Traveler by Italo Calvino. If you can't hang with this meta matrushka doll of a book, check out Baron In The Trees by Calvino instead. It's silly and if you don't think so, perhaps you need to reread.
If you're into non-fiction and unafraid of accusations of new-age insanity, pick up a copy of Many Lives Many Masters .
DRINK
My friend introduced me to a beer that will make your tongue wag. It's a Belgian beer called Rodenbach that has immediate appeal simply because it comes in a 350mL wine-type of bottle with a cork. It's been around since 1821 and they brew three different types of sour ales. Cheers!
QUOTE
"Many who believe in English speak it"
from My Life by Lyn Hejinian
SAY
If you're sick of saying "back at ya" or "likewise" try "boomerang" on for size; I like using it in text messages and emails when responding to my many admirers.

Love, Learn Some Manners

We blew on eyelashes
that were really wishes,
wishes that were truly dancing questions,
oozing my mind over you

Now, I try to wring words from
wrinkled sheets,
but the couch and the chair
compete for my attention,
this is not something to be set down
on paper (napkins),
to chat about in the elevator,
let's wait until we can claim this
memory
I offer to you half my bed, my whole pulse, and the quiet of this kiss

by Cristina Paul

Zanahorias

(sahn - ahh -OH-rree-ahs)

or Mexican pickled carrots

A perfect appetizer for any meal on a hot day. Everyone will ask for mas.

Ingredients:
1/2 pound of carrots (about 4 medium carrots) sliced into 1/4" rounds
3/4 cup filtered or spring water
3/4 cup distilled white vinegar
2 peeled garlic cloves
1/2 small-medium white onion, sliced into rounds
2 bay leaves
1/2 tsp salt
3 dried chiles de arbol (if you can't find them in the ethnic section of a store you can substitute one or two chopped jalapeños
1 tsp fresh oregano

Directions:
1. Place the carrots in a bowl - preferably one that has an air tight lid. Cover the carrots with vinegar and water. Add the rest of the ingredients and stir. If you can't find fresh oregano, you may leave this ingredient out. Put a lid on the bowl or cover with plastic wrap. Let the carrots sit at room temperature for two days. Then transfer to a refrigerator and serve cold. The carrots should keep for about a week after being refrigerated.

***If you have a strong stomach and you like your carrots very spicy, add more chiles.

Recipe by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

So, I got rear ended this week and what I've lost in mobility and ease of mind... I hope to gain in perspective. But I don't think that's going to happen in light of my most recent fixation - the honey bees. I know... I'm a bit late in boarding that worry train. Häagen Dazs has already infused the cause with it's ad campaign that has left an indelible mark on my consciousness. Unfortunately, this obsession reveals more about the lack of stimulation in my daily life than the genius of the company's graphics and the wit of the people responsible for posting honeybee trivia on their videogame cum pleasuregarden cum acidflashback cum comeagain? website: HelpTheHoneyBees.com

As I rest in bed with my laptop, thinking of my next chiropractic visit, trying not to make any quick movements while controlling an animated honeybee that leads me through the strangely enchanting Häagen Dazs fields, these are the things of immediate concern:

• every third bite of food produced in the U.S requires the pollination of fruits and vegetables by honeybees
• does my local supermarket carry the all new Häagen Dazs Vanilla Honey Bee Flavor? Will they deliver it?
• how long will it be before I can do a head stand? (better than horse tranquilizers for its enduring calming effect)
• my chiropractor's tapered fingers were so pretty - he is a man over 6 feet tall - but his fingernails were like almonds
• almonds - they are completely dependent upon honeybee polllination - and they are the perfect nut
• did you know that honeybees (Apis mellifera)are actually an invasive species? Yup, they arrived in the U.S. with the first European colonists
• local bee pollen is said to relieve or cure allergies when added to your diet
• honey will NEVER spoil - I kind of like it when it starts to look like a childhood crystal growing experiment - crunchy!
• I've got to plant some nasturtiums and so should you - you can eat these low maintenance, colorful flowers and they feed wild bees

Weighing The Dog

It is awkward for me and bewildering for him
as I hold him in my arms in the small bathroom,
balancing our weight on the shaky blue scale,

but this is the way to weigh a dog and easier
than training him to sit obediently on one spot
with his tongue out, waiting for the cookie.

With pencil and paper I subtract my weight
from our total to find out the remainder that is his,
and I start to wonder if there is an analogy here.

It could not have to do with my leaving you
though I never figured out what you amounted to
until I subtracted myself from our combination.

You held me in your arms more than I held you
through all those awkward and bewildering months
and now we are both lost in strange and distant
neighborhoods.

by Billy Collins