Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

THEIR NAMES SAY IT ALL: "Don't hit me 'cus I'm... beautiful?"
I often wonder what yutz thought of the names of these vehicles. Someone is obviously enjoying their pharmaceuticals. I think I need a new job - or more medication!

FOR INSTANCE, THE MIRAGE:
Who names a car like this after a breathtaking optical phenomenon? If I were in charge of things, this automobile would simply disappear. For now, I'd like to suggest a more fitting name: Geriatric Wet Dream

OR HOW ABOUT THE ODYSSEY?:

This road leads nowhere but to a soccer game. Homer is presently furrowing his brows.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE FOR ITS SHAMELESS APPEAL TO OUR CLASS CONSCIOUSNESS - THE CELEBRITY:

I think D-List is more apropos

Poem of the Week

a sleeve is a place for a heart
a shoulder is a place for a chip
a lily is a thing that you gild
a neck is a home for a nape
each part has a place
and places have parts
but where to go?
and what to do?
when you've lost your place or a part

By Cristina Paul

Savory Tart

-unlike the sound of its name, this is no mixed-message food



serves 6-8

Ingredients for tart shell:
2 1/4 cups plus 2 Tbsp all purpose flour
2 Tbsp pecorino romano or parmesan cheese
1 Tbsp salt
1//2 tsp of fresh thyme leaves
dash of freshly ground pepper
12 Tbsp (1 1/2 sticks) cold butter cut into 1/4 inch slices
1/2 cup cold vegetable shortening, cut into 4 pieces
1 garlic clove minced
1/4 cup cold vodka
1/4 cup cold water

Directions for tart shell:
1. Process 1 1/2 cups flour, cheese, salt, pepper, and thyme until just combined in a food processor fitted with a pastry blade. Add butter, shortening, and garlic clove and process until dough starts to form uneven clumps, about 15 seconds (the dough will have the consistency of cottage cheese curds and there should be no uncoated flour). Scrape down the bowl with a rubber spatula and add the remaining flour. Pulse until the flour is evenly distributed, 4-6 quick pulses. Empty the mixture into a medium bowl.
2. Sprinkle the cold vodka and water over the mixture. Using a rubber spatula, fold the mixture together, pressing down on the dough, until the dough is slightly sticky and holds together. Divide dough into two even balls and flatten them into 4 inch disks. Wrap each in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 45 minutes before using or up to two days. You can freeze the dough as well. (You will only need one disk for the following recipe).

*** Vodka is used instead of water to bind the dough. This makes for a flakier and more tender crust because, unlike water, vodka does not cause gluten (the tough stuff of most hastily-prepared, second-rate crusts) to form as readily as water does. Gluten is the bête noir of pie doughs. W.C. Fields once said: "I love cooking with alcohol. Sometimes I even put it in the food." Do not fear: the vodka burns off in the oven and leaves no trace of its taste or smell on the dough.

Ingredients for savory filling:
5 slices of bacon cut into 1/2 inch pieces
4 shallots cut in half lengthwise and thickly sliced
3 small onions cut in half lengthwise and thickly sliced
2 Tbsp fresh thyme leaves, divided
3/4 tsp kosher salt, divided
1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
1/4 cup plus 1 1/2 Tbsp pecorino romano or parmesan cheese
1/4 cup feta cheese
1 egg yolk
1 minced garlic clove


Directions for savory filling:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook bacon in a medium frying pan over medium-high heat until fat is rendered and bacon begins to crisp slightly around the edges. Transfer bacon to paper towels to drain and set aside. Leave 1 1/2 Tbsp of fat in the pan. Crumble the bacon after it cools.
2. Add onions and shallots to the pan and cook over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until they start to brown, about 12 minutes. Add 1 Tbsp thyme and 1/4 tsp salt and continue to cook until onion are soft and a deep amber gold, about 28 minutes more.
3. Meanwhile, roll out your tart dough onto a traditional pie dish and par-bake covered with aluminum foil that's been weighted down by pie weights.
4. Combine ricotta, 1/4 cup pecorino romano, 1/4 cup feta, egg yolk, remaining 1/2 tsp salt, remaining 1 Tbsp thyme, pepper, and garlic in a bowl or food processor. Stir well or process.
5. Spread ricotta mixture evenly on your tart shell (see above for recipe). Arrange onions and shallots on top of ricotta. Bake for 20 minutes and then sprinkle 1 1/2 Tbsp of the pecorino romano and bacon on top of tart. Continue baking for another 10-20 minutes or until golden brown.

*This tart can be served as an appetizer and cut into small slices or served with a simple salad and eaten as an entrée.

Recipe by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

This week we celebrate April Fool's Day - a nifty holiday meant for the masses to enjoy high jinks, tomfoolery, and good old monkeyshines (translation for those uninterested in antiquated cliches and idioms: shenanigans). Many people believe the holiday began in France in 1852 as a result of the Julian Calendar being replaced by the Gregorian calendar. Imagine the confusion if you woke up one year and some dope of a pope (Gregory XIII) rearranged your whole schedule - no your whole friggin' calendar. Okay, so this new calendar did remediate the inaccuracies of the Julian calendar. But I get sort of comfortable in my routines, and apparently 16th century fools do as well. Without the aid of modern tools of communication, news of the calendar change spread slowly - think Pangaea. So people who were slow on the uptake continued to celebrate New Year's on April first and were dubbed April Fools.

HELLO...

It is disastrous to be a wounded deer.
I'm the most wounded, wolves stalk,
and I have my failures too.
My flesh is caught on the Inevitable Hook!
As a child I saw many things I did not want to be.
Am I the person I did not want to be?
The talks to himself person?
That neighbors-make-fun-of-person?
Am I he who, on museum steps, sleeps on his side?
Do I wear the cloth of a man who has failed?
Am I the looney man?
In the great serenade of things,
am I the most cancelled passage?

by Gregory Corso (my favorite man with constantly crooked glasses)

There's Always Room For ...Mushroom Lasagna

Serves 9-12





Ingredients:
1/2 oz dried porcini mushrooms
1 cup water
1 1/2 lbs (about 8 medium) portobello mushrooms, stems removed and sliced 2" by 1/4"
4 oz shiitake mushrooms sliced 1/4" thick
6 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp plus tsp fine sea salt or table salt, divided
2 1/4 tsp freshly ground pepper, divided
2 medium red onions chopped (about 3 cups)
8 oz crimini mushrooms, stems removed and broken into pieces
5 medium garlic cloves minced
1/2 cup of dry white wine
3 Tbsp of softened butter, plus extra for greasing the pan
3 Tbsp all purpose flour
3 1/2 cups milk at room temperature
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
3/4 cup fresh minced basil leaves, divided
2 Tbsp of fresh thyme leaves, divided
8 oz fontina cheese, rind removed and shredded
3/4 cup grated pecorino romano cheese
9 no-boil lasagna noodles
1/2 teaspoon grated zest of a lemon
2 tsp of fresh squeezed lemon juice

Directions:
1. Soak the dried porcini mushrooms in a bowl with a cup of hot water. Let the mushrooms steep for 5 minutes. Then remove and chop the mushrooms. Strain the liquid through a fine sieve and reserve.
2.Adjust the oven rack to the middle position and heat to 425. Spread portobellos and shiitakes in an even layer on a rimmed baking sheet. Drizzle with 4 tablespoon of olive oil and toss with 1 1/4 teaspoon of salt and 1 teaspooon of pepper. Roast mushrooms until shriveled and all liquid has evaporated(about 30 minutes).
Toss mushrooms halfway through roasting process. Set aside mushrooms to cool and leave oven on.
3. While mushrooms are roasting, heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a 10 or 12 inch skillet over medium-high heat. Then add onions, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon of pepper and cook, stirring from time to time until browned around the edges (about 10 minutes). Set aside onions in a large bowl.
4. As onions cook, process the crimini mushrooms in a food processor until uniformly diced, about seven 1 second pulses. Heat the last tablespoon of olive oil in the empty skillet over medium-high. Once hot, add the crimini mushrooms and cook, stirring until browned and moisture has evaporated(about 7 minutes).
5. Reduce heat to medium and stir in porcinis, a heaping tablespoon of garlic, 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt and 1 teaspoon of pepper. Cook and stir frequently until garlic releases its aroma (about 1 minute). Add wine and cook until liquid has evaporated (about 2-3 miutes).
6. Add butter and cook until melted. Add flour and cook, stirring constantly for 1 minute. Add milk and scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen browned bits. Add the reserved porcini liquid and nutmeg. Increase the heat to medium-high and bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer until the sauces consistency resembles heavy cream (about 10-15 minutes). Remove from heat and stir in 1 Tbsp of thyme and 1/2 cup of basil leaves.
7. Combine fontina and pecorino romano cheese in a medium bowl. Toss cooled portobellos and shiitakes with onions in the large bowl.
8. Place noodles in 13 by 9 inch baking dish, cover with hot water, and let soak for 7 minutes. Shake and stir the dish gently to prevent the noodles from sticking together. Remove the noodles and place in a single layer on a clean, dry dish towel. Dry the baking dish and grease with butter.
8. Now spread about 1 cup of the mushroom sauce in an even layer on the bottom of the baking dish. Place three noodles on top of the sauce. Spread 3/4 cup of sauce on top of noodles. Layer about 1 1/2 cups of the mushroom and onion mixture on top and follow with 3/4 cup of cheese. Repeat layering noodles, sauce, mushroom and onion mixture and cheese. Spread remaining sauce and cheese on top of last layer of noodles.
9. Spray aluminum foil with nonstick cooking spray and cover the lasagna. Bake until the lasagna begins to bubble (about 20 minutes). Meanwhile combine the remaining garlic, basil, and thyme with lemon zest and juice. Increase the oven temperature to 500 and remove the foil from the lasagna. Sprinkle the lasagna with herb mixture and cook for about 7 more minutes until the top browns. Remove the lasagna from the oven and cool 15 minutes before serving. Mangia!


Culled from the culinary caverns of Cristina's cranium

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

A-what-to-do? situation: Filthy car BUT there's a definite chance of rain... this is my life - it should also be a Seinfeld episode.