Doesn't Matter What It Looks Like

"When you have blown your nose,
you should not open your handkerchief
and inspect it, as though pearls or rubies
had dropped out of your skull."
The Book of Manners (1958)

After you have blown your nose,
Father said, it's not polite to look inside
your handkerchief to see what it looks like.
You're not a doctor. What's more important
is getting the handkerchief back into your pocket
without staining your pants. There are some things
it's better not to look at. It should be left
to your imagination, but if you have
a strong desire to look you can always
find pictures of it in a medical book.

by Hal Sirowitz from Father Said

Cream Soda Cupcakes

Makes 18 people smile with no sharing involved





INGREDIENTS:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
3 large eggs, room temperature
2 tablespoons molasses
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise
1/2 cup buttermilk, room temperature
1/2 cup cream soda (not diet), room temperature
3/4 cup toffee pieces, divided
1 recipe Brown Butter Frosting


DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and 1/2 teaspoon salt; set aside.
2. In large bowl beat butter with electric mixer on medium to high 30 seconds. Add sugars; beat until well combined. Beat in eggs, one at a time, on low until combined. Beat in molasses, vanilla, and scrape in vanilla bean “seeds”.
3. Alternately add flour mixture, buttermilk, and cream soda to butter mixture, beating on low speed after each addition until combined. Stir in 1/2 cup of the toffee. Let batter rest for at least 10 minutes while you line eighteen 2-1/2-inch muffin cups with paper baking cups.
4. Fill cups 3/4 full. Bake about 18 minutes or until tops spring back when lightly touched. Cool in pans on racks 5 minutes. Remove from pans; cool completely. Frost and garnish with remaining toffee.
5. Brown Butter Frosting: For brown butter, in saucepan heat 1/4 cup butter over medium-low heat until lightly browned, about 8 minutes; cool. In bowl of an electric mixer, beat 1/4 cup softened butter with mixer on medium 30 seconds. Add cooled brown butter; beat until combined. Add 1 3/4 cups powdered sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, the “seeds” of 1 vanilla bean split lengthwise, and dash salt. Beat in 1 tablespoon buttermilk. Use immediately. If frosting begins dry or harden, stir in a small amount of boiling water. Makes 1 1/4 cups frosting.

*Cream soda varies from country to country, but usually has a vanilla flavoring. Its name originated, at least in the United Kingdom, from "ice cream soda" because it was traditionally served with a dollop of ice cream floating on top. The first patent for cream soda was granted in Canada in 1886. The recipe had whipped egg whites, sugar, lime juice, lemons, citric acid, and bicarbonate of soda. Today, Canadian cream soda is often pink and has a unique taste similar to grenadine. Clear versions of cream soda can also be found in Canada. In the U.S. market, cream soda is often clear or colored light brown and vanilla-flavored, but pink, red, and blue are also available. In some places in the U.S., where the drink is made on location, cream soda consists of soda water, vanilla syrup, and cream or half and half.

Adapted by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

Armpits are so sexy - so who gave them that awful name?

Banking Rules

I was standing in line at the bank and
the fellow in front of me was humming. The
line was long and slow, and after a while
the humming began to irritate me. I said to
the fellow, "Excuse me, would you mind not
humming." And he said, "Was I humming?
I'm sorry, I didn't realize it." And he went
right on humming. I said, "Sir, you're
humming again." "Me, humming?" he said.
"I don't think so." And then he went on
humming. I was about to blow my lid. Instead,
I went to find the manager. I said, "See
that man over there in the blue suit?" "Yes,"
he said, "what about him?" "He won't stop
humming," I said, "I've asked him politely
several times, but he won't stop." "There's
no crime in humming," he said. I went back
and took my place in line. I listened, but
there was nothing coming out of him. I said,
"Are you okay, pal?" He looked mildly peeved,
and gave me no reply. I felt myself shrinking.
The manager of the bank walked briskly up
to me and said, "Sir, are you aware of the
fact that you're shrinking?" I said I was.
And he said, "I'm afraid we don't allow that
kind of behavior in this bank. I have to ask
you to leave." The air was whistling out
of me, I was almost gone.

by James Tate from Return to the City of White Donkeys

Ginger-Mango Salsa

This was inspired by a salsa I had at my dear friend's recent wedding. The salsa pairs well with chips, pork, chicken, or firm white fish.


INGREDIENTS:
2 large, ripe champagne mangoes (the smaller more lima bean shaped ones), peeled, flesh cut from pit into 1/4 inch dice (1 3/4 to 2 cups)
2 tablespoons minced red onion
2 – 3 tablespoons lime juice , from 1 to 2 limes
2 teaspoons minced ginger (from about a 1 inch piece of peeled ginger)
kosher salt salt
cayenne pepper
DIRECTIONS:
In medium bowl, toss together mango, onion, 2 tablespoons lime juice, ginger, 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, and 1/8 teaspoon cayenne; let stand at room temperature to blend flavors, 15 to 30 minutes. Adjust seasoning with additional lime juice, salt, and cayenne. Serve.

***The word salsa is derived from the Latin salsa ("salty"), from sal ("salt"). Saline and salad are also related words. Mexican salsas have traditionally been produced using the mortar and pestle-like molcajete, although blenders are now more commonly used.
** Most salsas sold in the U.S are forms of salsa cruda or pico de gallo, but to increase their shelf life, have been cooked and have vinegar added.
* The dollar amount of salsa sales in the U.S. has overtaken those of ketchup. This may be attributed to the fact that fresh salsas (ones that must be refrigerated) spoil faster than other condiments, and may be purchased more often than condiments with longer shelf lives.

Recipe by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

Today is Tax Day. The federal income tax has been in effect since Congress ratified the 16th Amendment in 1913. Basically, all that means is that each year, when April comes around like a big brown paper bag full of doody, I just want to stab myself in the eye with a dull pencil until my tax return arrives. I wish I could order up a glass of toxic assets like so much milk and just laugh until they squirted out my nose and my mutual funds recovered from the havoc that the economy has wreaked upon all of us. This whole situation is really a laugh. I liken it to a bunch of kids playing Dungeons and Dragons - except instead of sci-fi fantasy nerds, they are numbers dorks and con artists and they're making big bucks doing number wizardry. But instead of laughing at these money hungry wizards - we all bought into it. All I really need to know about money is what I learned in grade school - don't trust people who have fun playing make-believe games or at least don't eat lunch in the same area and don't join in.

Introduction to Poetry

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

by Billy Collins from The Apple That Astonished Paris