Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

Marveling At The Ignorance of The Human Mind

*Paris Hilton's My New BFF - grown girls and psuedo-girls with overabundant access to trashy clothes, a proclivity for breathless whining, and a fascinating urge to cry over very serious matters (like whether or not Paris thinks they are "real").

*Facial Feedback - the phenomenon that causes one to be happy if you make a conscious effort to smile or sad if you are a vehement scowler. Kinda cool that the muscles that control your facial expression can outsmart the smartest organ we've got - our brain (and no the brain is NOT a muscle). I had to practice some serious facial feedback when a bird shat upon the handle of my car this week. Luckily, I saw the load of colorful slime before opening the door. Life is just a bowl of cherries.

*The amazing number of synonyms for the word nonsense (which can only have been created because of the extraordinary need to describe what all these dunderheads are doing running around amongst us): flapdoodle (sounds like a whoopie cushion noise or part), claptrap (sounds like the name of the hole in men's undies or long john's), twaddle (not saying what that one sounds like), hokum, hogwash, baloney... and many more. Couldn't the people who coin these words spend their time doing cleaning up the language and ridding it of annoying misnomers like grapefruit and pineapple? I know schools need more janitors... but have you all read a dictionary lately? Messy!

*The entire concept of phrenology. This pseudo science practically rids you of any responsibility for personal problems or intellectual and emotional gaps. Wouldn't it be delightful if we could just tell our friends, bosses, and lovers, "Sorry, the bumps on my cranium just aren't suited to that. But good luck feelin' up someone else's head for more desirable traits." The whole thing doesn't make any sense. Kinda makes me want to crack some 19th century skulls (that was supposed to be funny). I guess, though, that the theory has left us with some pretty cool looking maps of the brain which could possibly be used as decorative posters or toilet paper.

*Okay, so this video is no reason to rejoice in being American, but it will probably make you feel like a superior (albeit ashamed of your country of origin) prick.

therefore I am

To think is uncomfortable,
like a poodle, pissing
Quotidian and extraordinary
My shadow on a passing train
Shapes are clouds, in gravel on the road, cottage cheese ceilings, cowlicks
Numbers are boxcars like cracks in the sidewalk
Colors are red earth and daytime moons
I decide my destinies, not by odd or even petals on a flower
but by how long I can balance on this or that foot
When your resting place is a home,
home is a place of rest
…I think

by Cristina Paul

Coocoo Bars

Makes twenty four 2 – inch bars

INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut
1 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour (7 1/2 ounces)
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
dash of cayenne pepper
12 tablespoons unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), melted and cooled
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 large eggs plus 1 egg white lightly beaten
1/3 cup canned pumpkin
2 tablespoons freshly grated ginger
4 teaspoons vanilla extract
6 ounces semisweet or dark chocolate chunks (1 cup)

DIRECTIONS:
1. Adjust oven rack to the middle position and heat oven to 350 degrees. Toast coconut on a rimmed baking sheet, stirring 2 to 3 times, until light golden, about 4 to 6 minutes.
2. While coconut toasts, cut 18-inch length foil and fold lengthwise to 8-inch width. Fit foil into length of 13 by 9-inch baking pan, pushing it into corners and up sides of pan; allow excess to overhang pan edges. Cut 14-inch length foil and fit into width of baking pan in same manner, perpendicular to first sheet (if using extra-wide foil, fold second sheet lengthwise to 12-inch width). Spray foil-lined pan with nonstick cooking spray.
3. Whisk flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, ground ginger, and peppers together in a medium bowl; set aside.
4. Whisk melted butter and sugars together in medium bowl until combined. Add eggs, pumpkin, ginger, and vanilla and mix well. Using a rubber spatula, fold dry ingredients into egg mixture until just combined; do not over mix. Fold in chocolate and coconut, and turn batter into prepared pan, smoothing top with a rubber spatula.
5. Bake until top cracks a bit and becomes golden brown around the edges, 26 to 30 minutes; do not over bake. Cool on wire rack to room temperature. Remove bars from pan by lifting foil overhang and transfer to cutting board. Cut into 2-inch squares and serve.

Recipe by Cristina Paul

***Though many purists may scoff at the use of canned rather than fresh pumpkin in any recipe, these sweets have so little of the stuff that it’s not worth roasting a whole pumpkin.
**Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte’s hunger for power is inadvertently responsible for modern day canning? In the late 18th century Napoleon was concerned about feeding his troops. So he offered a cash prize to whoever could develop a reliable method of food preservation. Nicolas Appert thought of preserving food in bottles, like wine. After 15 years of experimentation, he realized if food is sufficiently heated and sealed in an airtight container, it won’t spoil.
* Never cover an opened metal can with plastic wrap and keep in the refrigerator. This is an invitation for botulism – which is no country club. Be safe; use a rubber… or a plastic… any tupperware will do.

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

Some Frightening News

These commercials, brought to us by Mephistopheles and his corn-pushing minions:


Nurdles are on the loose. No they are not a cross between Nerds and Skittles. To find out what they are and the havoc they are wreaking upon us, read this article.

After returning home from a four month respite from my life as usual, I found my dad had shaved the goatee he’s had for years and my step-dad had randomly grown a mountain-man beard. The explanation for his unruly scruff: he’s “experimenting”. I was not warned about either one of these most shocking events. As far as I can, tell my step-dad didn’t just superglue my dad’s castaway facial hair onto his own face. I may have to do some gumshoeing though.

My dad is currently displaying some of his naughty drawings in his room. Yes, he’s an artist and yes the pieces are quite – beautiful – I say that as I gag and remember my father’s age and my pseudo-Catholic upbringing. I just don’t want to see peoples’ goods. Being human is an embarrassing ordeal. If I total up the minutes that I've spent checking the spelling of the word embarrassing, it's probably consumed the greater part of a day. I think I've spent less time, in my entire life, tying my shoes. Amazing.

Turkey Day is coming and here are some (fun?) facts about to chew on:
*Nearly all turkeys raised for consumption in the United States are selectively bred and modified to be extremely heavy and large breasted; breast meat is the most desirable and commands the highest price. Unfortunately, these turkeys have such puffed up chests that they are incapable of breeding naturally. Thus, practically all of the turkeys raised commercially in the United States are the result of artificial insemination (AI). Imagine if that were your job - just don't imagine it while enjoying your annual feast this Thursday.

*Some male turkeys can weigh up to 85 pounds, whereas a female weighs around 20 pounds when she begins to lay eggs. Due to the extra weight these poor gobblers must support, many commercial turkeys end up with splayed leg disorder like the one pictured here. Once I'm finished with my Thanksgiving dinner, I too may be rendered a bit splayed in the legs.
*Apparently, humans aren't the only species who shoot blanks. Many of the male turkeys used for fertilization (toms) have less than reliable results. Some hatcheries inseminate females with 200-300 million sperm a week.


Today I witnessed a woman violently sobbing over the loss of her Blackberry. Even Faye Dunaway with running mascara and quivering lips couldn't compare with this woman's desperate ire. It was more like an infant's convulsive and hiccuping sob - a reaction to no sleep, severe butt rash, want of food, and the total lack of a favorite blanky. RUGGED! An iPhone owner would never behave in such a way.

Warnings

A can of self-defense pepper spray says it may
irritate the eyes, while a bathroom heater says it's
not to be used in bathrooms. I collect warnings
the way I used to collect philosophy quotes.

Wittgenstein's There's no such thing
as clear milk rubs shoulders with a box
of rat poison which has been found
to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Levinas' Language is a battering ram—
a sign that says the very fact of saying,
is as inscrutable as the laser pointer's advice:
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.

Last week I boxed up the solemn row
of philosophy tomes and carted them down
to the used bookstore. The dolly read:
Not to be used to transport humans.

Did lawyers insist that the 13-inch wheel
on the wheelbarrow proclaim it's
not intended for highway use? Or that the
Curling iron is for external use only?

Abram says that realists render material
to give the reader the illusion of the ordinary.
What would he make of Shin pads cannot protect
any part of the body they do not cover?

I load boxes of books onto the counter. Flip
to a yellow-highlighted passage in Aristotle:
Whiteness which lasts for a long time is no whiter
than whiteness which lasts only a day.

A.A.'ers talk about the blinding glare
of the obvious: Objects in the mirror
are actually behind you, Electric cattle prod
only to be used on animals, Warning: Knives are sharp.

What would I have done without: Remove infant
before folding for storage, Do not use hair dryer
while sleeping, Eating pet rocks may lead to broken
teeth, Do not use deodorant intimately?

Goodbye to all those sentences that sought
to puncture the illusory world-like the warning
on the polyester Halloween outfit for my son:
Batman costume will not enable you to fly.

by David Allen Sullivan from Strong-Armed Angels

Not-For-The-Kids Muffins

Every time I stop into a coffee shop or bakery, I am bombarded by oversized cupcakes, sans frosting, masquerading as muffins. As a discerning adult, this saccharine array of so-called muffins does not appeal to me at all. Rather, store-bought muffins merely appease sweet-toothed children. This, however, is a muffin that can be made any time for a very particular customer: a grown-up with grown-up taste.

Makes a dozen very grown-up muffins

Chop the dried banana chips with a sharp serrated knife, just as you would chop nuts. Don’t use a nonstick skillet to brown the butter. The dark color of the nonstick coating makes it difficult to see when the butter begins to brown.

INGREDIENTS:
Streusel
1/2 cup finely chopped dried banana chips (unsalted)
1/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon dark rum
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon unsalted butter, room temperature
pinch of table salt

Muffins
10 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/2 cups unbleached, all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
2/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons dried tarragon leaves
1/2 teaspoon table salt
3 large, ripe bananas
1/4 cup heavy cream, room temperature
2 large eggs, room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla

DIRECTIONS:
1. FOR THE STREUSEL: Mix all ingredients in a medium bowl using fingertips, a pastry blender, or the tines of two forks to blend the butter into the other ingredients. The streusel will resemble coarse, irregular crumbs and there should be no visible lumps of fat.
2. FOR THE MUFFINS: Adjust oven rack to the middle position and heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a muffin tin with butter.
3. Heat 6 tablespoons of butter in a 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat until melted, about 2 minutes. Continue to cook, swirling the pan until the butter becomes golden brown and gives off a nutty aroma, 1 to 3 minutes. Take off the heat and stir in the ground cinnamon. Set aside for 12 minutes.
4. Meanwhile, add flours, dark brown sugar, baking soda, baking powder, tarragon, and salt to the bowl of an electric mixer. Mix on low speed for 30 seconds to blend.
5. Dice 1/2 cup of banana into about 1/4 –inch pieces and set aside. In a food processor, process the rest of the bananas and cream until completely smooth. Add the eggs and vanilla and process briefly just to blend.
6. Once the browned butter has cooled for 12 minutes, cut the remaining 4 tablespoons of room temperature butter into 4 pieces and add it to the flour mixture. With a rubber spatula, scrape all of the browned butter and cinnamon mixture into the flour mixture as well as half of the banana mixture. Mix on low speed until the dry ingredients are moistened. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and beat at medium speed for 1 1/2 minutes to aerate the batter. Scraping down the sides of the bowl, add the remaining banana mixture in two batches. Beat at medium speed for 15 seconds after each addition. Scrape down the sides once again and fold in the 1/2 cup of diced banana. Make sure the diced banana is evenly distributed by carefully folding the batter about five times.
7. Using a large spoon or an ice cream scoop, fill each muffin tin nearly to the brim. Then, sprinkle each muffin with a portion of the streusel. Bake for 24 to 28 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through baking time. The muffins should spring back when lightly touched or a toothpick inserted in the center of the muffins comes out clean. Cool the muffins in the tin for ten minutes and enjoy.

*** Because bananas are so sweet, it’s not necessary to add a great quantity of sugar to a baked good containing them. However, sugar makes baked goods tender. Many home-made banana muffins are heavy, sad looking things that seem too depressed to rise. To combat the weighty nature of this fruit, this recipe has a fair amount of baking soda to react with the natural acidity of bananas.
** By emulsifying the bananas, cream, eggs, and vanilla in step 5, you inhibit gluten formation in the batter and produce a moist and tender muffin crumb.
*Using heavy cream, which has 38% fat, rather than the more traditional buttermilk, that has less than 2% fat, also helps to achieve the melt-in-your-mouth texture of this muffin.

Recipe by Cristina Paul

Blah-Blah-Blahg: Food For Nought

Last week, Ludmilla Vasko, fell from her ninth floor balcony in the Ukraine, into an enormous vat of grapes. She survived, unharmed. The police said:

“She was absolutely fine apart from the shock. The grapes cushioned her fall.”

Apparently, Ludmilla saved the winemakers quite a bit of work by having crushed most of the grapes when she landed on them.

For those of us who like to drink our grapes rather than use them as landing devices, I've got a suggestion for you. I recently had a (few bottles of) very good and reasonably priced wine (under $20). It's available at many Whole Foods and wine shops. It's Yalumba's Bush Vine Grenache 2006. The person who (must don an ascot and monocles and) writes for their website claims that it's fragrant with "red fruits and spices with hints of violets and roses and also a savoury complexity", and on the palate it "shows richness and ripeness with textured layers of red and blueberry fruits and youthful tannins". I just think it tastes good and has a cool name - bush vines sound seriously serious. And finally, a BUSH we can all love. So cheers - to NOT falling off of very high buildings and into large piles of fruit. Personally, I find that alcohol does a far better job of giving me an undeserved sense of meaning and grandeur than falling on my keister.